


Kintsukuroi

by praisethevoid



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur Pendragon Returns, Declarations Of Love, Depressed Merlin, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Merlin, Idiots in Love, Immortal Merlin, M/M, Pining Arthur, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Arthur, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but a lot of angst first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-01-30 00:42:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12642624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/praisethevoid/pseuds/praisethevoid
Summary: Merlin is broken and lost; but yet he copes.





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a long day for Merlin, a lonely, long, cold day, nothing of course, that could not be fixed by some drinks at the local pub, with a bunch of drunks, which even though he didn’t even liked most of the time, they were the closest thing to friends that he have had for years now.

 

Decades

 

No, almost centuries

 

Gods, Merlin could not care less, it had been too many years to even count, he lost track of time long ago, just as he lost track of himself at the same time.

 

Most days are like this, although most of the time he goes straight to his apartment after work, he lived in a one room apartment in a crappy building, he could afford a nice big house by now, but he could never stand big rooms, or open spaces… He would rather feel asphyxiated in a small messy place than to be reminded by a big room of how lonely and empty he really was.

Today he needed the company; his current work at the museum had taken its toll on him these last couple of days, lots of young researchers full with purpose and hope; annoying as hell. Today he needed the company of hopeless futureless self-deprecating beings just like him, have some nice drinks and a good laugh about some idiotic subject before going back to reality.

“Arthur Pendragon!” screamed David in the seat opposite of him, crying with laughter. “¿Do you guys remember? Merlin was so stupid drunk that time that he was talking about how he knew the King of Camelot”.

“ _Oh my god_ , I will never forget… “Anna said rolling her eyes. “Just like my shoes won’t forget the vomit he splashed on them.”

“I paid for your new shoes!” Merlin replied, “and all of you have been in a worse state than I.”

“Yes but the difference is that you’re a nerd, Merlin.” Jacob had been crying with laughter this whole time and was just barely able to join the conversation. “You always say the craziest, silliest things when intoxicated, I swear to God.”

“Maybe his real name isn’t even Merlin, he is just so obsessed with the Arthurian legends and history in general that he changed his name…”

“Guys… I’m here, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“You look like a Will to me.” David whispered looking directly to Merlin’s eyes while everyone exploded in laughter.

“I’m not obsessed with the legends… I’m not even fond of them… it comes with the name, that’s all. And I like prehistory, after the humans came along I truly lost interest.” Merlin knew it was useless to defend himself from them, but he was actually saying the truth, he never changed his name, in all of his lives, he hated aliases. And with the name there was always teasing.

 

He also hated the legends and the fact that they were treated like legends… The most important part of his stupid life was just a fairytale.

He had to admit that Anna, Jacob and David were more than just some drunks who lived in the pub, they were not at all closed to being called friends, they didn’t exactly shared their lives with each other, unless _one_ of them have had one too many shots and was feeling particularly sentimental that day. They liked each other enough, not to be facebook friends or to go for coffee on a week day… They were pub friends? That’s what Jacob called them once and it really felt pretty accurate, they would meet every 1 or 2 weeks, nothing planned. They’ve been doing this for a year almost… And they still didn’t know their last names or if they had spouses, lovers or pets… Sometimes they shared something particular about their job but that was it, It was a perfect arrangement for Merlin, if you could even call it that way.

 

Company without commitment

 

It was weird how the perfect cure for loneliness was just being alone

 

Just as the best feeling ever was numbness.

 

“You basically like rocks, Merlin, in a very nerdy way.” Anna stated brining Merlin back to the conversation, placing her hand on his shoulder, shaking it like if Merlin had fallen asleep.

Merlin laughed and nodded, feeling a little too drunk for the time.

“I’ll go home, gentlemen… and lady. I can’t afford sleeping here like a hobo anymore, I have two dogs to take care for now.” Jacob put on his raincoat and left some money on the table. “I’ll see you later, maybe.”

“Say hi to Toto and Juju for me!” Said David, waving his hand to Jacob." Well, maybe they shared a little more than he thought, maybe Merlin didn’t really paid attention.

He also wanted to go home, but wasn’t ready yet.

He recognized this feeling very well, he wanted to get more drunk until he was being dragged to the streets. He wanted the comfort of being home without actually being conscious of what it made him feel, of the emptiness dressed in sheets and pillows

It was a dangerous feeling: craving death, when you couldn’t actually die.

“Hey asshole, watch out!” all three of them turned their heads to were Jacob was opening the door so see a young man with weird clothes soaking wet entering the pub in a hurry.

 

Eventually Jacob left the placed looking annoyed and everyone in the pub returned to heir business, Merlin looked up to the waitress who was mopping the floor at the time. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” she shouted at the man who was just standing there looking all around, he made a mess and wasn’t even aware of, a hobo blond in distress, apparently.

 

He finally approached the bartender and said something he was not able to read from their lips. And the bartender pointed to their table.

Merlin turned around looking at his not-really friends. “Crazy guy is approaching.”

Anna almost spitted her drink. “Rude!”

“We don’t have any change mate, sorry…” David apologized and touched his pockets showing they were empty

“Merlin… is it really… you?”

Before he was able to turn around he felt something inside him crack.

He was already broken, sure, but time has helped him into gluing the pieces back together with very cheap glue.

“Merlin… it’s me.”

He didn’t realize that he had his eyes closed. His mouth opened involuntarily, whispering:

“No…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time posting a fic over here, actually... It's the first fic I write in over a decade, but when the Merlin Feels hit, they hit hard, so I really needed to do this, please feel free to give me suggestions or your opinión in general, english is not my first language so if there's anything I could improve please let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wasn’t suffering a good thing in the eyes of the Catholics?

“Merlin… it’s me… I came back.” 

 

Merlin felt himself drowning, and when he opened his eyes it was no different, he couldn't breathe… 

 

“Go!” he shouted violently, because otherwise he would’ve never been able to form any words. “Go away!” 

 

Anna and David looked at him completely in shock; Merlin was a drunk, sure, but not an angry or violent kind of drunk. 

 

“Merlin… what are you… It’s me. I swear.” The blond sounded desperate, he tried to get close but something made him stop and pushed him to the floor, like a bird crashing into an impeccable window

 

“You’re not… You’re not him!” Merlin was losing control of himself and his magic, as rusty as it was, he needed to get out of this place, but it seemed he couldn’t move at all.

 

“All right stop it already! I didn’t travel all this way here to find you just so you wouldn’t recognize me!” he stood up and walked toward Merlin

 

“Hey buddy! Calm down, our friend here is pretty out of himself right, I’m pretty sure he knows you but this is probably not the best time for… "

 

“Shut up!” David was interrupted by the blond who kept walking trying to reach Merlin. “Merlin I swear if you don’t come to your senses right now I’ll…”

 

“I need to go, I’m sorry guys, see you later.”

 

“Merlin, are you sure? I can call a cab to take you home!” Anna tried to stop him but failed when Merlin practically dodged the blond and rushed into the door to leave the establishment. 

 

He heard Arth… the blond scream at his escape, and felt his heart thumbing in his ears, he needed to run away, this wasn’t supposed to happen, the nightmares stopped centuries ago, There were sometimes echoes and awful day-dreaming but nothing like this… It felt so real

 

But then again whiskey makes a lot of things feel real, like laughter or comfort. 

 

He couldn’t stop running, even though he knew he was shit at it, he would eventually faint if he kept the pace, he couldn’t feel his heart thumbing in his ears anymore. He needed to go home and lock himself up as soon as possible. Maybe he was poisoned, but he didn’t know anyone with enough knowledge or motive to do that, he wasn’t a bad person per se, who would want to do this to him? He didn’t know anyone with powers enough to conjure a ghost… And that didn’t look like a ghost at all, it looked very alive and… 

 

He could see his building now and felt a little bit calmer… He would have to cast some protection spells around his room and in the area just in case…

 

“Merlin! you idiot!”

 

He felt his face crash on the pavement almost before he could hear the scream coming from behind

 

 

~

 

 

“Thank the Gods, you’re finally awake. You were never good at running or… anything that needed actual physical ability, really. Remember hunting?” 

 

Merlin felt like he was floating, it was cold but it wasn’t wet… So he wasn’t actually drowning, was he falling? Who was talking to him?

 

“Hey, we’re almost close… Do you have your keys with you?”

 

That voice… Arthur… he was talking to him, soft voice with a little bit of concern… Maybe he was floating and falling at the same time.

 

He remembers when his voice was a good thing to hear and not a sign of him going crazy, he loved his voice even when he was insulted him; he always noted a hint of affection there. 

 

“Keys? What… are you… talking about?” he tried to open his eyes but everything was blurry

 

“Such a lightweight Merlin, it’s embarrassing, really.”

 

And then he could see; dark blue eyes staring at him, wet blond messy hair, lips almost red… smiling. He was being carried by an actual ghost; Merlin had really messed it up this time, Death finally gave up and came to him in the shape of who he loved the most to take him to the light. 

 

And Merlin was ready now. 

 

“Where are you taking me?” Merlin never really gave any thought about heaven or hell… But couldn’t help asking. 

 

“To where you live of course, Gods, what were you even drinking back there? Is it customable to ingest poison at will these days?" He felt dark blue eyes staring at him again with concern and a hidden smile. 

 

Why would Death take him to his apartment? What that a thing reapers did? 

 

He wanted to keep sleeping, he was way too drunk and his head hurt too much to be listening to his reaper rambling nonsense, and at the same time he wanted to drown in his voice… If it turns out there’s a heaven; that would mean he will finally meet whis long lost King… He sure made plenty of penance to deserve it. Wasn’t suffering a good thing in the eyes of the Catholics? 

 

Or was it the Christians? 

 

Merlin felt a hand in his left pocket and couldn’t help but to fall to the ground trying to raise his head in panic. 

 

“Merlin!” said the reaper again this time sounding really annoyed. 

 

“What kind of reaper are you? Isn’t it unprofessional to make a detour instead of leading me directly to the light? Or are you some kind of ghost of last Christmas? Because my friend… I really don’t need that”.

 

The blond ghost… or reaper… or whatever was too busy opening the door to his apartment to even care of what Merlin was saying right now

 

“Come one now, you really need to rest. “ 

 

Merlin felt how he was being lifted into those arms again but this time he tried to protest, they were inside the apartment now but couldn’t see nothing yet 

 

“Merlin, take this… you need to drink water and think clearly… I need you to really look at me, please.”

 

He obediently took the big glass of water and basically swallowed it in less than five seconds; he closed his eyes as the lights were turn on without warning

 

“Yes, blinding me is a great idea for that…”

 

“Merlin, I need you to stop playing… listen to me, I came back, and it’s really me I swear.”

 

He was sitting on the only couch he had on his very small living room and left the glass on the little table in front of him, he wanted to do everything in his power not to look at the direction where the voice was coming from, but Merlin could never resist that voice, could never resist a demand made by it, he just couldn’t…

 

Arthur was standing across from him, he was wearing a dark blue hoodie, some ripped off jeans and dirty black shoes, his hair was a wet mess and his face looked red from the effort of chasing and carrying Merlin to his place

 

Merlin had seen Arthur in the faces of random people all the time, so it wasn’t weird to imagine him in this type of clothing, but it felt different somehow, painfully different from the other times

 

He was shaking now

 

“You… you’re not real, I know you’re not, please… whatever you are… stop… go!”

 

“Merlin I don’t know what has gotten into you… But I refuse to go, you need to see that it’s me!”

 

Merlin tried his best to stand up and go to the kitchen; he had some poisons hidden in there, something that could work against ghosts and nightmares like this

 

He felt the same pair of blue eyes follow him but said nothing about it. He found an old small bottle with what it seemed to be clarity poison…. There was still some left, and he drank it trying to ignore the bitter taste, and looked at his living room

 

“I’m still here…”

 

“Crap!”

 

There needed to be something else… Something to repeal… to… reveal! Yes, he knew he still had something to reveal the nature of beings… This was perfect.

 

“Hey… Wait… Stop!”

 

The small glass bottle crashed in Arthur’s chest and a purple liquid spilled in his clothes and slowly evaporated…. 

 

“This was a gift, Merlin!”

 

Still, nothing happened. 

 

“I’m going crazy… I finally lost it.”

 

He heard Arth… his hallucination sigh dramatically as it came closer to him

 

“Don’t… don’t even dare…” Merlin’s voice was quiet and shaky now, he walked backwards until his rear hit the stove. “I won’t let you back in again… I’m sorry”. He felt his face wet, so he tried to cover his eyes with his shaking hands, he hoped to wake up soon and forget this awful dream.

 

“Merlin… I know I died, I know it’s impossible, and I’m sorry if you didn’t want…” Something in Merlin was shattering, something that he tried so long to keep together…

 

It was crashing down

 

“I waited for you!” he snapped at him “All this time! I tried with all I had in me to bring you back! But you died, and everyone was wrong! Destiny was wrong, you were just… human.”

 

“Mer…”

 

“And I’m over that! I swear I wish I had the same ability as you to just die, but I gave up a long time ago… I try to live an average life… and it I’m shit at that too! I… I don’t need your face to torment me anymore, I know I failed!”

 

He suddenly found himself sitting on the kitchen floor feeling even dizzier than before, he just wanted it all to stop

 

“Merlin I thought…”

 

“Just… I’m over it… just go... please”

 

He couldn’t stop crying, he was basically sobbing when he heard the front door close

 

He had completely lost it now

 

 

He was really going crazy

 

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't really wait a whole week to post, I literally can't stop writing, I never expected anyone to read this or even give it kudos or comment, I truly appreciate all of you :3 I also know this chapter is sad, but it really needed to happen, Merlin deserves to have his breakdown!! I'll see you later for the next one!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin wakes up and thinks everything was a dream, that he drank just too much this time...

Merlin felt his whole body aching and cold.

He didn’t know where he was

What day it was 

What country he was on 

Damn if he didn’t even know who he was anymore(but really just wanted to finally forget ).

He learned to know just seconds later that he was lying in his small flat’s kitchen’s floor, though. 

It was Saturday, so no work to go to today

He was in London, even though he hated the weather in here… He hated other places more. 

He was crying, he found out as he opened his eyes, cleaning the crumbles of dried tears. He had been drinking at the pub… His headache and smell a big teller for that. 

He dreamt about Arthur… But really… what’s new about all of this? He knew he was haunted for life… Falling asleep on the kitchen though… weird. 

 

It took more than it should have for Merlin to stand up, but when he finally did he slowly went to his bathroom to clean his face and pee, went back and turned the kettle on, then went on try and find some instant coffee in the cupboard…

“Hey! Open up!”

 

Was someone knocking? 

Nobody ever knocks

Ever

 

Merlin didn’t move a muscle

“I know you’re in there! You’ve got to take care of this or I will!”

Was he in trouble? Did he make a mess yesterday?

Honestly his drinking was not that bad

 

…

“Come one man!!!!”

“I’m coming!”

He opened up his door without taking the lock off just so he could see what the mess was about, the face of his neighbor Mr. Johnson? Mr. Collins? He was completely blank… “Mr. Emrys I don’t know who you are or who this is or what was going on last night with all the screaming but… You have to take him off our hall… Immediately, he just won’t wake up… I will call the police to escort him away if I have to.”

What? Screaming? 

 

No

Wait

That didn’t happen

Yes

 

Yes that was what actually happened 

 

He stared at his neighbor’s face waiting for something to happen until him look down with open eyes showing Merlin what he was talking about 

He was looking at the old blond king of Camelot… In an old hoodie, sleeping (and snoring of course) in the hallway, he wanted to look to his neighbor to apologize, but he couldn’t move, nor his eyes nor his body… Hell he couldn’t even breathe.

He hadn’t been dreaming 

 

Oh 

“Hello, kid? Can you hear me?!”

Shit 

Shit

This is

Oh Gods

“Yes! I can hear you! He’s my… he’s my friend, I’ll take care of this! Don’t… Won’t happen again sir!”

“Yeah… right” Mr. Whomever he was looked at him with a nasty look and walked away, or at least that’s what he thinks he saw him do because his eyes were still locked on Arthur. 

Arthur 

He hated himself when he mentioned his name even in his own head… But it was inevitable… It was a common name, a common story. Arthur… the one and true Arthur.   
He unlocked his door and opened it, Arthur was breathing deeply on the hall, in a fetal position and with very messy hair. It was still the most beautiful thing he had even saw in centuries, he felt almost like crying

 

(You have to move)

 

Merlin was very much afraid that if he interrupted his sleep Arthur would just fade away or die… again… He was always very grumpy and dramatic in the mornings anyways… He shook his head trying to think clearly, his whole body felt numb and his head was still in pain, he didn’t even noticed when Arthur started to move 

 

“Are you really just going to stand there?”

Arthur sat down on the floor, trying to open his tired eyes and looked up at Merlin like a child would look at an adult, a thousand years old adult.

Merlin, still speechless, shook his head and offered his hand to the blond king on the hall. 

Merlin almost flinched when he felt the touch of the other’s hand, somehow he was able to pull him up. 

He would recognize that touch anywhere, an specific warmness that Arthur always evoked. 

“How?...” Was all that Merlin was able to come up with

“How about you make some breakfast and then we’ll talk?”

Merlin opened his door all the away to invite Arthur in and closed it way too harsh when they were inside. He followed Arthur with his eyes still in disbelieve.

What does this mean?

Am I still dreaming? I’m not drunk anymore…

Who brought him back?

Are we in danger?

"Arthur..." He felt the lump on his throat burning, saying that name out load to him, it was a lot.

"I know." Arthur looked at him with a big bright smile on his face, walking back towards Merlin who was still standing behind the door. 

"But..." 

Merlin felt Arthur's embrace all over him, holding him tight, he felt like fainting, he couldn't even bring himself to hug him back, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry or both.   
So he breathed Arthur in again, letting his presence intoxicate him, trying not to break

"Hey... Breakfast first, after how poorly you treated me last night the least I deserve is a pancake"

"Well you're still a prat, that's good to know"

This was their cue to let go off the hug, right?

Merlin felt as if he let go his friend would disappear into thin air

Or burn

"Breakfast!" Arthur shouted when he broke the hug and pushed Merlin to the kitchen

"Right, I've got tea right here, don't know about pancakes though..."

He could feel Arthur's eyes rolling behind his back and he hasn't been this happy since...

 

Since...

"You live in a trash can, did you know that?"

Merlin made tea and omelets, which Arthur devoured like a complete savage, Merlin really wanted to smile but his heavy heart couldn't let him.

"You know, you've got to chew those things"

"I've been dead for thousands of years, give me a break."

“About that”

“Well… Not dead anymore, that’s basically it.”

“How?”

“Woke up in the ocean, almost drowned until a strong hand pulled me into land”

“What? Who?”

“Well Gwen, obviously.”

“Gwen is alive?” shouted Merlin, what the hell was going on?

“Calm down, yes she is, she saved me and gave me these horrible clothes, and told me how to find you.”

“Stop”

“Ah?”

“Stop it, eating and talking at the same time, it’s annoying, explain yourself without food on your mouth please.”

“I already did Merlin! Didn’t you listen?”

“Where is Gwen? Why you didn’t bring her with you?”

“She has her own life now, she’s not tied to me anymore, and honestly… The only thing I was thinking about since I woke up in the ocean was you… I needed to find you.”

Arthur looked down, shy. Or was he sad? About Gwen? 

“What… what do you mean she’s not tied to you anymore?” 

“She’s married to someone else apparently, at least she told me so, which honestly… I’m not really mad with her. I love her, and I know she loves me but it doesn’t feel like before, 

don’t know what happened honestly, when she told me I didn’t get angry or sad.”

“Once you dragged her out of town for kissing someone else.”

“Well… yes I did that. “

“Who’s her husband?”

“I didn’t ask her, didn’t want to, and she didn’t mentioned him at all.”

Arthur stand up and started washing the dishes that he used and the ones that were already on the sink, Merlin turned around to look at the whole scene.

“Are you sure you’re you? I think I’ll need to test you again…”

“I know how to do the dishes, Merlin.” 

There it was again, that funny smile, and that dumb tone he used when he said his name, it was enough proof that was no copycat. 

“I tried to find you, I… I did everything I could, and what I couldn’t I tried it too.”

Arthur looked at him with sad eyes, he knew, did he? Did he know how desperate and hopeless and angry Merlin was when trying to find a dead king?

“I’m sorry Merlin.”

“You’re sorry you… died?” Merlin was laughing now, he was kind of starting to relax now, he felt a little more himself, more awake. 

“Yes, I guess I am. Do you forgive me?”

Well… No of course not, you asshole. The only thing you needed to do was not to die… And you ruined it all, you ruined… me. 

“Merlin…”

He didn’t realized that he just stayed there looking at nothing while he thought at his response, he looked at Arthur how stand awkward on his small and messy kitchen. 

“You have to clean this place Merlin, it’s horrendous. I’ll help you if you want.”

“What?”

“Are you still drunk? Let’s clean this place… And show me where my bedroom should be.”

Oh God

He couldn’t stop laughing

Arthur was trying to not sound like a monarch and was doing quite well but… did he actually thought there was going to be more than one crappy bed in this place

Oh

Oh shit. 

“What?”

“Oh well… first of all, we’ll do the cleaning on Sunday and also… there’s only one bedroom, so we’ll have to share because the sofa is rubbish.”

“Have you stopped you annoying habit of kicking on your sleep? Because I don’t want to deal with that again…”

“I know you missed that probably, and don’t you worry, I think I still do that.”

“Maybe I’ll go back with Gwen after all.”

“She’s happier now that she doesn’t have to stand all your snoring, I wish I was her right now, honestly.”

It was all still too much really, the smiles, and another hug. He still didn’t know what the make of everything that happened, he felt relaxed for the first time and centuries but also   
something inside him felt on the edge about this turn of events, he was scared but expectant. 

This time the hug look a little bit more time that before. 

“I’m glad I found you Merlin, I was going crazy out there.”

Damn him 

“Yeah, can relate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG, I GOT CREATORS BLOCK, THEN GOT DEPRESSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND THEN I HAD TO WORKED A LOT TO GET A PROMOTION AT MY JOB SO I COUDN'T UPDATE YOU GUYS I'M THE WORST I KNOW. 
> 
> I already have most of the story planned out, I hope I can update you guys maybe not once a week, but once every two or three weeks, I'm still so excited about this story and I hope you are too. Appreciate all your comments and feedback <3


End file.
